My dear hide chan
My Angel
Hello hide chan
When I was a kid I always wanted wings, like an angel. I dreamed to fly and there where days I even believed that I can fly. But that where tiny little childhood dreams and like all childhood dreams it got lost when I grew up but then I met you and you showed that still that child is in my heard and as well my tiny childhood dreams. You had let me be and act like a child and it wasn't ridiculous in any way. You hide chan became my angel of my dreams and with you I could fly.
When I look back from now I've many wonderful memories in my heart. Moments with you I treasure. Moments we've laughed together and for also moments when we had cried together but all this and many more was it what made our friendship so wonderful and special. Maybe I've never told you hide chan but to me you always was my big little brother. With you and with Tocchi I could speak about everything. And still I'm often searching your good advice. You're still with us, so close that it's sometimes hard to forget that you're an angel now, watching over us from the other side of live. Yeah, that's how you used to call it, when we had talked about live and death.
One day I will be an angel, too and than I can fly with you again. I never told Toshi kun about my dream. I don't want to make him worried or afraid and I don't want to be misunderstood and you might remember that sometimes Tocchi is far to easy worried about me but sames goes to you, hide chan. In that point you're the same kind but that how things are, aren't they?
Many things have changed since you've passed away and think the best thing happened around 2007/2008 when Tocchi and I stared to talk to each other again. When we started to be friends again. I've to admit that it's all thanks to Heath kun. Yeah, little Heath kun. Do you remember how much he hated it to be called little? He's still the same. In so many things Heath kun is still the same. He brought Tocchi with him to Los Angeles and you've to know that Tocchi was at that time in a very bad condition. He was so down, so depressed and afraid, so...I can't describe it but he even lost his voice at that time. So Heath kun brought him and than just left us both alone. But before he did that, he often used to listen to me and had talked with me so often. Later Toshi kun told me that Heath kun did the same to him. He was there for the both of us, even while we where to stubborn to care about each other. You can tell me what ever you want hide chan, but Heath kun is really the conscience of X – Japan. With his help, with all he did he realized your dream, to rebuild X – Japan. It's not the X we've dreamed off my friend but it's a X again.
The saddest thing had happened in year 2011, very soon after the Yokohama concert. On that concert Taiji kun was with us on stage again. It was a long way for us to realize that and at least I realized that I should had forgive him much earlier. However we enjoyed a great concert together and for sure a pretty cool after – show party. Taiji kun had changed over the time...very much hide chan. And than, on 2011 July 17th Taiji kun suddenly passed away. The police said it was suicide but if you ask me, I've my own opinion what really has happened. For sure I never told somebody about my opinion, expect Tocchi. Him for sure I told what's on my mind. He's not sure what to think about that.
Hey hide chan, X – Japan gonna release a new album next year, after 19 year. I'm so excited and it's nearly unbelievable that so much time has passed since our last release. I've to admit that I first was shocked when I thought about that. Time has passed so quickly. Also we're planning a new world tour and I hardly wish you would really with us on stage. I know, in our hearts for sure you're always with us and I also know that you're watching us but it's different than to be with you really on stage. Do you understand what I mean? It's a bit weird, isn't it? But maybe that's how I use to be.
By the way hide chan, don't we all use to be a bit weird? I mean how can we be together and be such good as we are if we're not all a bit weird? And when I look down from the stage I sometimes think, that our fans are really as weird as we are and that must be the reason, why we can be all together.
When I look back from now, I think we're doing pretty fine now. 33 years of X history are laying behind us and I hope that many years will follow but there are moments I'm not sure how long I can go on. To my fans I use to pretend that everything is fine but at least it's just the half of the truth and you know it, that I'm sure with but still I'm looking positive to the future and that let me and also let X go on. In my weakest moments I can be sure that I can count on the others, specially on Tocchi and that's an honor for and as well a wonderful gift, to have such great friends. A few month I went to the doctor to let check my wrist and now I've to think how I will go on. An operation wouldn't guarantee success and that's why I've decided not to go that way, even while I left my fans worried about me. We really have the greatest fans we can wish and every moment I'm thankfully for their great support, no matter which way we go.
About Tocchi, he's actually working on his project “Crystal Rock Night”. It's the second year in a row he's working in this project and again he has chosen great people to work with, including Shinya kun, from Dir en Grey. He already was with Tocchi last year. It seems they've become really good friends and I've to admit that I feel pretty happy for the both of them.
About me.....My life is going on between Los Angeles and Tokyo. I suppose I'm more in America than in Japan. That brings back memories to a breakfast I held with Tocchi in year 2009 on morning, where he asked me if I still remember that I'm a Japanese. The reason was the breakfast I had. It was a western one and since Tocchi know me for so long he also knows that I love western food, specially France kitchen but what he maybe had forgotten in this moment, that he loves french kitchen as well.
Soon I hold a special dinner show again, in Tokyo. That I feel exciting I guess you know it already. Even after all this many years it's always like being on stage the first time and I feel nervous every time but once I'm on stage everything is fine. There are still a few month left until the show but I can't wait to the fans. This dinner shows are special for me. It has something very personal. I mean I can talk to the fans and ask them what to play. It's a little bit like to be in a living room, at home. You know what I mean? It's very different than to be with X. I mean for sure I enjoy to be X – Japan on stage every time. I love it but the dinner shows are special. I would say it's right the opposite I need sometimes.
X – Japan will be on stage in a few days. It's the Lunatic Festival. I'm really looking forward to it. Not only to be on stage but also to meet old friends and making new friends. But for sure to be on stage is the greatest highlight at all. It's been a while since X – Japan had their last gig, so it's time.
You know hide chan, sometimes it's hard to believe that you've passed away such long time ago. You're still so close and there are moments.....tiny moments I use to forget that you've gone so long ago. When I hear your guitar and your voice on stage it's like you're still with us and even in the hearts of our fans you're so close. When I look to the old photos again and again I ask myself what had happened. It was so unexpected.
So unexpected like the death from Taiji kun. Today I wish I had opened my heart far earlier. Sometimes I ask myself if he would still live, if had forgave him earlier. Strange, isn't it? I don't think, that it is my fault, that Taiji kun had died but sometimes I ask myself what had happened when things where different from what they where. Also he's still very close, not only in our minds and hearts but also in the hearts and minds of our dear fans. For the both of you still birthday wishes come every year and also for new year many wishes are coming for the both of you. I guess you've reached a level from what other people only use to dream of. You have become truly eternally.
About Pata kun you don't have to be in worry. He's doing fine for himself. Currently he use to work with RA:IN again. They've a great drummer. It's Nishida Ryuichi. Maybe you remember this name hide chan. Nishida san is an old friend of Chacha chan. He was with Chacha chan in his band Gerard and also later at GacktJOB. Maybe you remember. Pata kun hasn't changed at all. Still you never know what's going, in his head and still he loves Jack Daniels as ever but I've to admit that it's good to see that some thing don't change at all, no matter how much times passes by.
Also Sugzio kun is doing fine. If he's not working with us, he is with Luna Sea and with Juno Reactor. On the Lunatic Festival he will have much to do. Both days with Luna Sea and on one day with X – Japan. I don't know if I should feel a bit sorry for him but I guess it's not necessary. I'm sure that making Sugizo kun to the sixth member of X – Japan was the best decision I could make. You must know hide chan, when I asked him to join X – Japan he first wasn't sure about that and asked me, how to be the fifth member but I explained him, that he wouldn't be the fifth but the sixth member. Not a replacement for you but a new part of our family and a new part of the history of X – Japan.
What Heath kun actually is doing I don't know for sure. He don't loose a word about that but I can be sure, that he's doing fine. If it was not the case, I would knew already. But like the phantom of X – Japan he use to be, he uses to be still the mysterious man he always was. A man where you think he has no secret but at least he uses to be book with seven seals. Sometimes I still wonder.......I can't really explain it but I guess again, that you know what I mean. I know that I put a lot of trust in you but at least you always have been my little big brother, my best friend. For sure you would ask what's about Tocchi but that's special. He's my brother and my soulmate so don't worry.
Do you remember the lonely man, not knowing where to go? Since the time has change I've change, too. Today I know where my place is and that you're with me, no matter where I go. And even when I miss you sometimes more than words can say I'm sure one day we meet again and that let me bear the pain of loneliness I feel sometimes, when I'm all alone. Still I feel sad sometimes but today I can live with the pain in my heart and so it can't kill me anymore. I've stopped to die day by day a little more. The sun has come back in my heart. I'm no the man used to be, when you was still there but today I've to live with my sadness and my pain. To much rain has has fallen in the past. Endless rain.......
Hey hide chan, did I ever mentioned what kind of miracle it mus be, to know you all? I really feel blessed to have you all in my live. Not only you, my dear friends and members but also my beloved family and our great fans. In one or the other way I feel blessed by god for that miracle. I've never told anyone about that feelings but I suppose I really should do it, one day.
Sand of time is running by so fast and sometimes it scares me. Today times much faster, than when I was a child and there are moments in my live I'm afraid of what I will leave when I die one day but than again I remember what somebody told me once.
It's not so important what we leave behind after we die but it's important how we have live. Time is our companion and remains us that everything is impermanent, so we should enjoy every moment of our live.
That words I have engraved into my heart and try to live right the way they teach us. Today I try to enjoy every moment, but still I miss many moments in my busy live. I guess in some points I also will never change. That's how I use to be. But today I enjoy my live how it is, with all it's dark and light moments. A long way lies behind me and still there is a long way to go. But today I know that I'm not alone, because you're all with me. Thank you all for that.
Sincerely
Best wishes from
Yoshiki
