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Rebirthing

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Prologue

"He bit me."
 

His voice quavered heavily, the young boy dragged his feet along that felt too heavy to him that he could hardly recognize these weights as his feet.
 

"That freak really bit me!"
 

A panicking outburst of his voice, going along with an irregular panting. The blonde held his neck that ached him, a pain clinging to him as firmly, it caused him an anxiety of suffocating. A warm, red liquid trickled down his white shirt, his tanned skin. He opened, rather slammed the bathroom door against the wall and wavered in front of the mirror. The loud music from the main room was dulled and barely resounded in this private place for men. He looked at his reflection which he didn't even recognize at first sight. A miserable pale face, blood soaking his shirt and neck.
 

"What the---"
 

He couldn't accept that it was his reflection until he saw the familiar blue eyes that he saw every time he saw into a mirror. The blue eyes that belonged to him. That was when his legs gave in. He slumped to the cold, dirty floor, his look distraught. Why would someone bite a person? Rather, why would a guy bite a person with such a force that the bleeding won't stop?
 

"Sir? Are you alright?"
 

The blonde looked up confused as he heard a dark, husky voice from the doorway.
 

"You're bleeding... Wait here, I'll call the ambulance."
 

The man ran off. The boy stood up hardly now. The security label on the man's shirt made him feel nervous. He couldn't let himself being caught here. He looked at a small window and hurried towards it.

When the man came back, all that was left of the young boy were stains of blood on the cold, dirty ground.

Uzumaki Naruto

"Naruto!! Come back here, you damn pest!"
 

A blonde head ran down the street, the appropriate face for it grinned, laughed loudly.

"See ya next time, old man!" he stated and shoved a piece of bread into his mouth. As he arrived in an alley, far away from the market's stalls and noises he squatted down and began chewing the bread cheerfully. He looked forward, chuckled lightly and kicked a can against the wall across him, the crows and pigeons that assembled in front of him flew away in a huddled mess of feathers and the nervous strokes of wings.
 

"Seriously, you guys... Go and get your own. We have a deal, right? You don't take mine, I don't take yours." he murmured as the birds came back, their dark eyes staring at the bread in the hands of the young boy both sadly and longingly. The boy sighed.
 

"I can't believe you..."
 

He took another bite, then threw the rest of the bread to the ground. The mass of feathers fell over the left-over. The blonde smiled at them as a few of the crows landed on his shoulders and head, watching the other birds fight for their share of bread.
 

"Naruto!"
 

A brown-haired boy stood in the street entrance, his eyes darting around as if he'd search for someone. The blonde covered his eyes from the sun with one hand that shone too brightly.
 

"Kiba. What's up?" He grinned and stood up from the ground, the birds on his shoulders and his head flew away.
 

"Dude, the police is searchin' for you! Seems like that old man reported ya!"

The brown-haired kid looked at the blonde worried. The slits of his eyes opened widely now and Naruto knew they only did when something serious happened. Naruto grinned and crosses his arms behind his head.
 

"Fine, fine... But hey! I saw this new shop today, man, the stuff there is amazing! Only high quality stuff! Let's go and check it out!"

Kiba grunted. "Didn't you hear what I just said?"

"I heard you perfectly fine. I'm not deaf." Naruto sighed.

"Come on, I need new clothes! Look at me, I look like a homeless!"

Kiba chuckled lightly now. "That's because we are homeless, idiot." He murmured, the blonde chuckled as well. "Then you agree, right? Let's go."

'Give and Take'

The shop called '2Go' had a weird motto. It said 'Our prices are almost free 2 go.'

Of course several guys of Naruto's type saw this as an invitation. The owner was still a young guy, setting his security very high in the exit area and the cash desk. Inside the shop though, none of the cashier or the security guards paid much attention to what happened in the changing rooms. Actually these rooms were the place where the whole action took place.
 

Naruto called it 'Give and Take'. It was an easy game. You 'give' your old clothes and 'take' the new clothes. Of course there are some rules to this game. First, you have to choose clothes with a certain resemblance with the old clothes, otherwise it's obvious, isn't it? Everyone would notice if you had a green shirt and leave with an orange one. That's why Naruto chose to wear plain clothes. White shirt, black pants. Additionally he knew how to crack open the security badge without having them spill any dye and adjust them to his old clothes. He showed it to Kiba, each of them would watch the back for the other one.
 

Naruto always considered himself as an 'unsoiled homeless'. He often 'Gave and Took', he often entered strangers houses and took a bath, cleaned himself, though he had always taken care not to leave any traces or dirt behind for the residents. He didn't want people to think he was dirty, especially not a homeless. But everyone knew about it. Everyone knew Naruto. That's why he was quite happy when a new shop opened, with an owner who had no clue who he was.

Well, the same procedure as every visit, take on the clothes, take off the badges, add them to your old clothes, hang them back where you got the new ones and leave. For Kiba it went perfectly fine. He would return back to their hideout. Naruto did the same as he knew that Kiba was in a safe distance. Though it didn't quite go the way he planned. Before he could leave, someone grabbed his arm harshly. The boy turned to the man who held him, who looked down on him warily. Naruto remembered the face of that guy. He sighed and smiled a bit uneasily.
 

"Hey... Kotetsu-san! Jeez, long time no see!" He chuckled quietly and tried to free himself with some kind of artistic struggle but the man just tightened his grip.
 

"You're right." The man's voice was strict and serious. "I've been waiting for the day I'd get my hands on you..."
 

"You're aware that this sounds pretty gay? What would Izumo-san say if he heard that?"
 

Naruto chuckled again, though his voice was surprisingly faint. The security guy blushed like a peony.
 

"You damn---", he spouted, but his voice was interrupted as an elbow stuck between his teeth. Confused and perplexed, Kotetsu let go of Naruto's arm who immediately pulled out his elbow again, wiped off the saliva and made a run for it. He could still hear Kotetsu scream after him, shout at the other people to 'catch the thief'.
 

The blonde stifled a laugh. His relationship with the security guards as well as the police could be considered just another version of "´Give and Take". He gave them something to do and - as a small plus, a fine physical education. In return he 'took' the liberty to keep doing what he wanted.



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Kommentare zu dieser Fanfic (2)

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Bitte keine Beleidigungen oder Flames! Falls Ihr Kritik habt, formuliert sie bitte konstruktiv.
Von:  fukuyama
2011-02-14T22:31:18+00:00 14.02.2011 23:31
Hot damn! Ich hatte ganz vergessen, dass ich ja noch dein neues Kapitel kommentieren wollte - gut, dass ich heute mal wieder auf meinem Steckbrief war! -.-
Was die Sache mit dem Übersetzen angeht: Machst du das schulisch/studientechnisch oder freizeit-/hochladetechnisch? Übersetzen finde ich persönlich ja viel schwerer als einfaches fiction writing, weil es viele Satzstrukturen im Deutschen ja so gar nicht gibt wie im englischen (und umgekehrt). Deshalb ist das immer eine besonders kniffilige Sache.

So, für's erste durchlesen hat's mir sehr gut gefallen, vor allem natürlich das Wortspiel mit Give/take. Wenn das später nochmal mit sexuellen Anspielungen kommen sollte, gibt's wirklich was zu lachen.
Hier meine Beobachtungen aus Runde zwei:

>>none of the cashier or the security guards payed much attention<<
Ich bin mir nicht sicher, ob du das mit 'none' so konstruieren kannst, ich hab's jedenfalls noch nie so gelesen. Alternativ - auch, wenn's vielleicht nicht so gut klingt - wäre: "not the cashier nor the security guards".
Ach ja, und ganz böser Fehler mit >>Payed<</"paid" - aber das ist dir sicher gerade selbst schon aufgefallen.
Die Formulierung >>where the action startet<< mag ich auch nicht wirklich, das klingt sehr 'offen'. Besser wäre vielleicht "where the action took place".

resemblence "to" und nicht >>with<<.
>> He showed it to Kiba, each of them would watch the back for the other one.<<
Wie wär's mit "... and they would watch each other's back while pulling off their game"? Würde den Satz ein bisschen entzerren.
Ich meine übrigens, dass du ein bisschen viel Present in diesem Abschnitt verwendest, aber der Eindruck kann subjektiv sein.

Naja, possesive s bzw. apostroph bei >>strangers houses<<.

>>Well, the same procedure as every visit...<< Is that just me or does this sound an awfully lot like Ms. Sophie and James? xD
Kein subjekt und Prädikat in diesem Satz, sehr telegrammstil-mäßig. Das irrtiert ein wenig beim LEsefluss.
>>... looked down on him doubtfully.<< Don't think so. Meintest du vielleicht "suspiciously"? Oder "warily/leery/distrustfully"?

>>"I waited for the day I get my hands on you..."<<
Eh, just NO. Ich sehe keinen Sinn in dem simple Past - klingt auch für dich merkwürdig, oder? "have been waiting ... I could get..." klingt besser, nicht wahr?

He >>blushed flashily<<. woot? Haha, dein Bild ist echt originell, aber war das auch so beabsichtigt? 'blitzartig'? xD

And I definitely like the last paragraph. Duh.
Gruß,
Yama^^
Von:  fukuyama
2011-02-03T21:46:43+00:00 03.02.2011 22:46
I get the feeling, you're not quite understanding the meaning of "hardly". It is in no way connected to the adjective "hard", but means "pretty" in the way of "a little bit more than almost, supportive of the existence of something, but reducing the verb. Like: "he was hardly hungry" means "He wasn't hungry at all" and "he could harly stand" means "he was in danger or falling to the ground at every second". Okay? You use it disturbingly often. And in all different kind of meanings. oô
Well, at least I'm thrilled that there are some more writers, who dedicate their work to the English language. And do so on animexx, the last place you would search for such a thing. Do you post at fanfiction.net, too?

My guess for the story: Naruto x Sasuke, who is a vampire and lusts after Naruto's sweet tasting blood. Congrats on plotting.

So, on to the first two lines. I like your comparison - sounds good -, but there's no sense for grammar. You just can't connect these two sentences by just a comma, you need a dot.
The next paragraph: "panicking outburst" -> you personalise the outburst, which is strange, but I like the picture you get out of it. It creates the mental image of an equalizer in my head and I love that, it's innovative.
But "a thing sitting there"? What the hell! It makes you think of aliens, flee and goofy parrots, but not at all of a vampire bite (I guess, that's implied?). Please correct this, it's really... strange. -.-
I'd echange the words "accept" and "glass" in the next paragraph, if I was in your stead, I don't think they really fit. Other than that good work with alluring the reader through pictures so far...

The train of thought about the whole biting-thing is a little suddenly and out of place. You need more connections before. Like: Let him try to wash to blood from his neck and notice biting marks (normal teeth?) so he can mutter about biting. Or start with his incredulity towards the person who bit him (I assume Sasuke). Like 'What a freak!' and so on... Sounds more like Naruto and pulls the reader in to his next thoughts.

Oh yeah, "dark, husky voice" immediatelly rings some warning bells. Association: Sasuke, Uchiha, Vampire, clubs... I don't see fit to use it on a bystander character, who's not important to the story. Except you want to show that the whole club is run and visited by vamps only. But they certainly wouldn't catch a first aid kit, now would they?

Some grammar issues towards the end.
All in all. Not quite subtle and smooth, but interesting place to start your story and definitely catching the reader's attention.
greetz,
Yama


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