All that mattered   von Cyn
================================================================================
                                  Kapitel 1: 
                                  -----------


The grass still looked burned as the young man precariously walked over it
trying not to get lost in his overwhelming feelings. It hadn’t even been a
week since he had last visited this place but every time it felt to him like
ages had passed. His legs trembled while walking to a certain spot on the
graveyard just outside of Lawrence– the same spot he had visited countless
times before. 
When he finally reached it, his knees buckled and the man slowly fell down, his
whole body shaking. His hands touched the burned grass beneath him and a teary
sigh escaped his lips.
“I know you’re probably surprised I’m here since it’s not Sunday…”
Dean whispered while caressing the ground absent minded, trying to control his
voice somehow. “But you see… I just needed to talk to you…” Another
shaky sigh followed a somewhat hollow laughter. “God, I’m pathetic…” 
Yes, Dean knew he was, but he couldn’t help it. Couldn’t and didn’t want
to. Because he had stopped caring a long time ago. He had tried to go on, he
really had. He had tried to live that apple-pie-life that Sam had wanted him to
live. He had tried to be happy and to move on. But how could he, if the most
important thing in the world – the person that mattered – was gone? 
Today had shown him all too clearly that it was just too much.
~~
“Thanks Dean! This is just so great!” Ben practically bounced in front of
him while waiting in line to get onto the rollercoaster. His eyes were shining
and his smile boomed all over his face, lightening up everything around him. And
all of a sudden, the boy was on him, arms wrapped around his torso in a fierce
hug.”You’re the best, really!” 
Just then, something deep inside of Dean broke.

It was Thursday and Dean had made the boy stay home from school to give him and
his mother a treat. At first, Lisa had frowned at him of course. Said that he
should be setting a better example for her son but then Dean had just played his
charm on her and his girlfriend had given in. So the three of them had hit the
road to get to the next amusement park – a treat he had promised Ben ages ago.
Well not literally but it had felt like ages – at least to the ten-year old.
And Dean wouldn’t have been Dean if he hadn’t given in. 
They had spent a great time at Rollercoaster-Land, or whatever that park was
called. They had eaten popcorn and Hot-Dogs, had taken on every single ride they
could. Even Lisa had enjoyed herself pretending to ignore the fact that her
boyfriend had made her precious boy skip school. 
All in all it just had been a perfect day. But then out of nowhere it had turned
into chaos.

Dean’s body tensed up at Ben’s words and his heart felt like being ripped
into tiny little pieces. His mind started to swirl and he somehow forced the
boy’s hands away from him, stumbling backwards. Emotions where rolling over
him and he couldn’t quite control his breathing, all of a sudden feeling like
he was suffocating. The whole place seemed to vanish and melt into someplace
else – sometime else.
**
“Thanks Dean! This is just so great!” Sam’s eyes beamed up at him as he
waited for his turn on the rollercoaster, his hands twitching from nervous
expectation. Dean just smiled fondly at his younger brother, telling himself
silently that just seeing this was worth all of the trouble waiting back at the
motel for him. If it made Sam this happy, Dean would gladly accept the
punishment. 
“Glad you like it, little bro.” he replied, grinning and ruffling the
already messy hair. Sam’s smile even grew wider and all of a sudden he crashed
into his brother, pulling him into a tight embrace. “You’re the best,
really.” The twelve-year old whispered shyly and Dean’s heart ached for him.

~~
The memory long forgotten now crashed down on him, leaving him raw and open. A
hand on his shoulder pulled him back from 1995 and Lisa’s concerned voice
reached his clouded mind. “…alright? Dean? Dean?!” 
He just stared at her not quite comprehending what was happening to him. Her
eyes looked plainly shocked and pain that shouldn’t be there clouded her
vision. “Honey?...You’re…crying…” 
Dean’s eyes widened slightly and he brought a shaking hand to his cheek, only
to find wetness there. Crying. He was fucking crying. In the middle of an
amusement park. In front of his girlfriend and her ten-year-old son.
So Dean did the only thing that crossed his mind. He got away. Lisa was shouting
something after him, but he couldn’t make out the words, didn’t want to. It
was just so fucking humiliating. He ran all the way to the car that wasn’t the
Impala and drove as fast as he could. 
~~
He ran a shaky hand over his face, now dry again, but he still could feel the
flow of tears that had nearly gotten him into an accident on his way to
Lawrence. Not that he had cared anyway. 
He knew he would be in a fight with Lisa tonight, but he just couldn’t care
less about that too.  In these days, Dean couldn’t find it in himself to care
for much anymore. 
“Sammy, I’m so wasted…” he whispered, caressing the grass again. Another
hollow chuckle escaped his lips, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. 
“Remember that day, when I took you to the amusement park in Altoona, Iowa?”
he asked smiling teary eyed again.
“I just remembered today. You were so wasted because you had to leave another
school and Dad just wouldn’t let you say good bye to your friends. Remember
that?” 
It still pained Dean beyond words just how much his Dad had ignored Sam’s plea
back then. No boy, no goodbyes, we’re off, the next hunt is waiting, he had
said, and practically had pushed Sam into the Impala. Dean had tried to reason
with him, but of course John had just told him to stop, and Dean had obeyed.  He
had seen Sam’s tears in the review mirror and he had hated his father for
causing them. 
So after John had dropped them off at another shabby motel, Dean had made his
decision. He had promised to himself that he would make it up to Sam somehow,
just when it felt convenient.
“So I took you out, even though I knew that Dad would be furious at me. But
you were so down… and I just wanted to make you smile again…having a great
time…”
And that was what he had done then. He had made Sam smile, made him have a good
time and forget that their life sucked. Because that was what mattered to him.
Seeing his little brother happy. Caring for him, watching out for him was his
job… was everything that made Dean the person he was. Of course his father had
been beyond furious, but Dean had gladly accepted the harsh words, even if they
actually had hurt a lot. Because he had made Sam smile. That had been worth
anything.
“I just miss you so much, Sammy…” he whispered brokenly. Dean knew he was
torturing himself. But mourning for Sam was the only emotion he truly could feel
anymore.  A few tears rolled down his cheeks but he wiped them away with the
back of his hand, trying to regain some of his composure.  He tried to swallow
the big lump in his throat but it had been there constantly since Sam’s death
and Dean knew he would never get rid of it. Hell, he wasn’t even sure he
wanted to. Because that meant to get over it and he couldn’t possible get over
Sam. Ever. He owed him that much, since he hadn’t been able to protect him.
“I’m so sorry, that I failed you in the end…” 
After those words, Dean stayed silent for what seemed like eternity, just
staring at the spot that had swallowed his brother five months ago. Like he
always did when he was done talking. He stared until he decided it was time to
leave again.
“See you next Sunday, little brother…” He whispered when the time came. It
was what he always said, because since that fateful day, Dean had come here
every fucking Sunday. And he would be coming until he was no more. 
His feet felt heavy, when he dragged himself towards the car that wasn’t his,
wasn’t the Impala, wasn’t connected to Sam in anyway. He got in without
looking back once, because why should he anyway. He would be coming back in just
three days. And the grass would still be burned and Sam would still be dead. And
that was all to that. 
He pulled away from the graveyard without turning. If he had, he maybe would
have seen the tall figure stepping out behind a tree. A man with shaggy brown
hair and sad green eyes watching him leave.
~~
Sam’s eyes burned with tears as he watched his brother pull the car towards
the interstate that would bring him back to where he came from. His heart felt
like bursting with grieve and heavy with guilt, because he could have stopped
Dean’s misery in an instant, if he had just revealed himself to his brother.
But he hadn’t.
And for the first time in months, Sam wasn’t so sure anymore that he was doing
the right thing.

Hosted by Animexx e.V. (http://www.animexx.de)